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Secret Recordings

Recently, a white envelope was dropped off at our RWN offices. Inside was an iPhone and a note that read, “ I found this phone. It’s a beautiful phone. Some people say the best, actually. It has recordings. Secret recordings of one very stable genius and some other guy.”

Below are some excerpts:

Sound of a shower. Water stops. Fumbling.

Voice Who Sounds Like Trump: “Wow, I needed that shower after last night.”

Voice Who Sounds Like Hannutty: “Your skin looks a little dry. Let me put some moisturizer on your back.”

VWSLT; “Yeah, that would be good. That’s good moisturizer – it moisturizes. That feels tremendous. You have very soft hands. The most softest ever. Mine are small, but they’re also soft. A little softer than yours. But yours are soft.”

VWSLH: “You know we illegally shot that horse, right? We’re not allowed to hunt horses. We gotta stick to deer and squirrels and stuff.”

VWSLT: “It’s okay. We can shoot horses. We can shoot horses here – everyone does it. The horses don’t mind – they understand. They understand humans are smarter than horses and smarter animals eat dumber ones. It’s the horse’s fault it got shot. If it didn’t want to get shot it shouldn’t have let us shoot it. Was it a man – a Stalin – or a woman deer?”

VWSLH: “A male. It was a male – a stallion.”

VWSLT: “Kelly is coming to the lodge later. She’s bringing Wailin’ Palin to teach us how to shoot the deers with arrows. Putin hunt. I took a picture of him on one of our hunting trips — shirtless on the horse. What a build on that guy. The best! A tremendous build. He shot that horse later. It was delicious! They eat horses in Russia. He’s Russian, right?”

VWSLH: “Yes, he’s Russian. I don’t know if they eat horses. Hey Pudge, I gotta hop on a call with Billy Barrf, Devil Nunes, Jim Whorin and Bitch McCoward, to give them their daily orders. So you keep working on that puzzle. It’s a great pic, by the way. You’re a very handsome man. I think you’re gonna love it once you get the orange hair part done. I’ll help you after the call.”

VWSLT: “Yeah, yeah. I’ll work on the puzzle. I’m great with puzzles. The best. I have a tremendous talent for puzzles.”

Some fumbling then the recording ends.

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